The Line Between Protecting and Projecting

A reminder of why this community matters... especially on the days we don’t have the answers.

A few weeks ago, Parker’s teacher pulled me aside at pickup.

She said they’d been practicing counting, showing the kids how to add three plus three using their fingers. She told me Parker didn’t seem upset, but he had a lightbulb moment, raised his hand and said,

She asked how I wanted her to handle it and if there were any methods I wanted her to use with him that he could carry into future classrooms. I told her, “I actually have a community of moms I can ask about this,” and that night I posted on The Fearfully Made Instagram asking for advice.

Within an hour, I was flooded with suggestions, encouragement, and stories from other moms who have been in this exact spot. It was such a reminder of why I pour so much into TFM. Because on days like this, we need somewhere to turn that isn’t just Google or ChatGPT.

A lot of the responses were very tactical… try an abacus, here’s a great counting tool, here’s what worked for my daughter. But one response really got me thinking. It was from a passionate mom who was taken aback by Parker’s teacher asking me how to handle it. She felt this should have already been built into the curriculum. She even shared a few laws about inclusive education rights where she lives in Canada.

I so appreciated her perspective. It was different than where I initially went, and different from most of the feedback I was getting, but it made me pause. Should I be more involved and knowledgeable about these things?

My first instinct was just gratitude that his teacher brought it up and cared enough to ask. I was thankful to have the opportunity to look into the best way to support Parker. But once again, I found myself in that familiar juxtaposition of wondering, am I not making this a big enough deal? Or am I making it too big of one? And that’s where I find myself most days. Somewhere between wanting to protect him and trying not to project my own feelings onto his experiences.

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Protecting or Projecting

I never want Parker to feel like I’m hovering or drawing extra attention to his difference. At the same time, I want to make sure he feels included and confident. Matt called me out once because I was always asking Parker how his day was, and if anything made him sad that day. Hello projection 😬.

There’s this constant tug-of-war between letting him be a kid and making sure the world makes room for him to be one.

I think that’s why the mom’s message resonated so much. It reminded me that while I can’t control every classroom, I can keep learning. Knowledge is power, and if I can better understand how inclusion should look, I can be a stronger advocate when the time comes.

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Small Moments That Matter

When I mentioned to his teacher that my hope was for Parker to see several ways of counting, she immediately shared that’s exactly what they already do. That day, they were focusing on fingers, but the week before they’d used counters, and next week they’ll use something different. I was so grateful for her intentionality and for the way she already builds variety into her lessons.

And something that really stuck with me came from that same passionate mom who messaged me. She said,

“Your son advocated for himself and spoke up for his needs. He didn’t say ‘I need you to use another technique so I can learn,’ but ultimately, that’s what he said. And that’s amazing 👏!”

That message made me tear up because she’s right. Parker could have quietly sat in his seat, but instead he proudly raised his hand and said, “Hey lady… I only have five fingers!” Okay, maybe he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s how I like to picture it. 😂

So thank you to this mom for showing me a different perspective, cheering on my son from afar, and having a heart for ensuring all kids are included.

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Learning Together

This whole exchange, from Parker’s comment, to his teacher’s thoughtfulness, to that mom’s passionate message, reminded me that we’re all learning together.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I don’t have all the answers, but I know I’ll keep learning right alongside him.

When Parker said, “I can’t do that, I only have five fingers,” he wasn’t sad or frustrated. He was simply noticing. It was a moment of self-awareness, honest and unfiltered.

Maybe that’s what advocacy looks like at this stage. The small moments. The quiet emails back and forth with teachers. The questions that start with curiosity instead of criticism.

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Helpful Resources from the TFM Community

If you’ve had a similar moment in your child’s classroom, I’d love to hear about it. How do you decide when to step in and when to let something play out? You can reply here or join the conversation over on Instagram.

And because so many of you shared your favorite learning tools, I wanted to pass a few along here….

🔢 TOP BRIGHT Preschool Learning Toys for Toddlers

🧮 Cltoyvers Wooden Abacus for Kids

🐻 Learning Resources Colorful Counters

🎥 YouTube: “Counting to Twenty with One Hand”

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To the moms walking this same tightrope.. you’re doing great.

With love,

Chelsea